Parenting through Positive Reinforcement
Power techniques to develop good behaviour and address bad behaviour
Through my years as a primary school teacher, being a mother of 4 children, and a genuine passion for helping children develop and helping other fellow mum’s and dad’s get the most out of their parenting journey, I have found positive reinforcement to be an incredible tool for behaviour management as well as creating an optimistic, uplifting atmosphere.
Positive words are known to engage the brain centre responsible for understanding the big picture, respect, active listening, empathy, and problem-solving, while negative words activate the fear centre
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Here are 2 key areas to focus on when reinforcing positive behaviour:
1. Say what you want to see.
A great way to start implementing positive reinforcement with your children immediately is by switching out some of the verbiage we tend to use as parents by default.
Here are some examples:
Instead of “Don’t touch that”, say “Look with your eyes”.
Instead of “Stop banging on the table”, try “See if you can shake it up high. Does it roll?”.
Instead of “No screaming!”, try “Remember, we use quiet voices inside”.
What children hear when we say “Don’t touch that” is “touch that”, so what will they be thinking about? Touching it! When we say “Stop banging on the table”, what do they hear? “Banging on the table”. So it’s hardly surprising they don’t change that behaviour straight away.
Also, from those statements, their brains are logging the negative words of “no”, “stop” and “don’t”.
According to some experts, the average toddler hears the word “no” a staggering 400+ times per day! Your first reaction to that number is likely thinking that it’s an exaggeration, but just think about when a parent says “no”, they typically say “no no no”. That’s 3 times in 2 seconds! This is likely not only exhausting for you day in day out but also has a detrimental effect on your child and their development.'
Another reason saying “no” less often is that they end up listening better, and it makes “no” more effective when you do need to use it. And yes, it’s ok to still say no! "Plus, saying no can become ineffective when it’s overused – a little like crying wolf” says Clair Lerner, director of parenting resources at Zero to Three, a non-profit that studies infants and toddlers.
Of course, there are times when it is extremely important to say no, and this typically comes under the category of effective discipline which I’ll share some strategies for in other articles.
2. Reward good behaviour
I love acknowledging when our children do something great or make a wise choice. It could be using their initiative and doing something before you ask them to, it could be the way they spoke to their sibling, it could be that they persevered in something that they were finding difficult, it could be for trying something new. The list goes on and on...There are a couple of ways I reward good behaviour which I've detailed below.
Verbal affirmation
“I loved how you went and got a cup for your brother because you noticed he didn’t have one” or “Wow, you really worked hard to finish that puzzle. I could see how difficult that part over there was where the colours were all so similar”.
Keep an eye out for good behaviour so that you can acknowledge it as it’s happening. I know there is a temptation to not disrupt the flow of your child/children while they’re playing nicely but this always pays off in the long run with them eventually choosing good behaviour as they are rewarded with encouragement. I find there is a flow on effect that happens when I encourage one of my children, sometimes another hears it and mimics the behaviour as they would like to get noticed too. Bonus!
Your child craves your attention. If they only get it for when they are in the wrong, they may choose bad behaviour over good to get your attention. Each word you use is a building block to good character development and makes a huge difference in the man or woman they end up growing into. Remember your voice is the most influential voice in these early formative years. So make them count.
Sticker chart
This is a super simple one. Keeping it simple makes it easy to manage and sustainable long term and easily spans across the age range. All the sticker chart is for us is a ripped-off piece of pad paper with their name at the top. When they have five stickers, they get to choose something from a surprise bag which has little inexpensive items like fun pencils, little toys and edibles (which seem to be the most popular with my boys!).
Before I flippantly award a sticker, I ask myself, is it for one of the following two reasons?
Performing exceptionally; or
Acquiring a new skill
This helps me to not reward them for things they should actually just be doing as part of the family. It also encourages our kids to grow when I run these things through this filter.
A good example would be our 3 year old Asher. He was learning to do his car seat harness himself. It would take him a long time and a lot of perseverance. So each time he did it, I would say “Yay, you can have a sticker when we get home!”. This went on for about two weeks as he was acquiring the new skill. When he got to the third week, it had become easy and second nature so he no longer needed to be rewarded for it.
These techniques have worked wonderfully with our children and Jono and I are so grateful to have the opportunity to do the best we can to raise them into strong, integral, confident young adults ready to make an impact on the world.
Anyway, give this a go and let us know how you go. I'd love to hear from you on how your positive reinforcement helps you get more out of parenting and enjoy this precious gift of family.
With love,
